Depth of expectations and subtlness of letting go

In life we all have myriad of expectations. From the moment when we are born to the moment we die, we live on expectations. We expect to be fed by our mothers, we expect love from those around us, we expect to get our salaries in the bank account at the end of the month, we even expect good weather according to weather reports. Our expectations our like soap suds. Subject to bursting at any given moment without our permission. Because of this we suffer. That suffering is called disappointment. Usually we blame something other than ourselves as the cause of our disappointment. Because we are never attuned to what really goes on in. The real cause of disappointment is what lies within. Our expectations are the cause. So, we always need to look within. Not look outside and look to find blame outside. Looking within we should not blame ourselves either.

Anyway, then comes letting go. The word has become famous now. Almost a fad in my thinking. But sometimes, I wonder whether people really understand what letting go really means. Anyway, whether there is real understanding or not, when one let's go of one's expectations, then there is freedom from suffering that comes from disappointment. Letting go doesn't happen in the outside. It happens in the inside. It's happens between you and the thing. It's a response. For example. Let's say you want to eat chocolate. The real letting go is being able to still like chocolate but not want to eat it. Nowadays what people do as letting go is, dislike what they don't want, so that it's easy to not to want what they actually want. This is wrong kind of letting go. Proper letting go is you still like what you want but you cannot desire it the way you desired it. I remember Ajhan Brahm saying it so aptly (I am not sure how exactly he said it but he said it something to the effect of) you love your enemy not hoping that he would change but so he could continue to be your enemy. Isn't that such a lovely freeing way of living and looking at life.

Anyway, today this hit home for me in meditation. I felt the depth of my expectations and the subtlness we have to develop in letting go. Our (at least my) expectation run deep. They have taken root like oak tree over many many life times and uprooting them it hard. It takes much effort. In order to uproot such deeply rooted expectations (desires) I have to cultivate such a subtle sense of letting go. It is only through that, that there is any hope of realising the Dhamma and the dept of a Buddha's teachings.

So in my meditations I realised how attached I have gotten to my own realisations. As a result I have developed expectations in my own meditation. While I am not suffering from it. I can see my expectation lurking in the depths of my mind. If I am careful and develop letting go at deeper levels I will eventually suffer and my meditation will fall apart. I realised that today. This came about in the most proper time. It was only a few days ago that I got an email from Ayya asking me to give up everything and her only advice is for me to let go of everything. Then only to find that I am hanging on to things in my own mind.

So I am writing my blog so that I remember in future how deep my expectations are. My desires. I celebrate thinking that I am letting go, only to find that I am getting trapped again in my own desires and own expectations. They may not seem obvious to the outside but they are as real as they can be in the inside. They are as strong in the samsaric cycle to keep me trapped for many many lifetimes if I don't see them. The only remedy to let go. But at much subtle levels. So hard to see. And so difficult to do I find. When my own ego rears its head up again and again wanting to assert itself. Wanting to heard again and again. To feel the need to exist.

Things can only be put to rest when only seen and understood through Dhamma

If there is anything that I have come to obey that is Dhamma the truth of nature. There IS such a thing. It CAN be seen and felt. It's hard but it is possible. Over the past three years I have come to obey it and worship it over all other things and trust in it's power. But because it's so hard to see, I still struggle with myself and with the nature of things. But life, despite many of it's difficulties, has been very kind to me in many ways, in presenting Dhamma for my experience, very rarely though but I have seen it.

I feel I see life through a new set of eyes. Just as I see my own difficulties I also see the difficulties of others. While my own difficulties, some of it, I have been able to make peace with them, because I see them through my new set of eyes, I see the struggle of others because they don't have the benefit of seeing it through a different perspective. My heart fills with compassion for them. If only.......

This is the reason why I am writing the blog. Because after everything is said and done, after all of the hair splitting arguments and all of that, there is only one way to fine peace in ones heart and lay eberything to rest. That is to see things the way they really are. The BUddha said this 25 centuries ago. I used to read it with wonderment, amazement. It's almost like, the Buddha had a secret. But now I understand (with little I know) it was no secret. It was a simple statement but a very deep and profound one. In a way YES it is a secret because most of us are not privy to it. But it is always there for the taking.

The secret is to know, see things for the way they are. Anicca, dukka and anatta. The impermannce of things, the suffering of things and the non-self in things. How wonderful and how freeing it is. I am in no way implying or saying that I understand these phenomena for the way they are. But I have had experiences which have made me question whether things are permanent, blissful and a self as the way we think they are.

Being able to question, having experiences to get to the point of at least questioning, brings oneself enormous amount of relief. This is my point. It gets you new eyes! Then you don't look life, it's problems in the same old way, and because of that you don't suffer the same old way. On the other hand you don't go into euphoria the same old way either. There is a kind of a balance the mind gets to (in a manner of speaking.....certainly not equanimity that the BUddha speaks about but kind of getting on to the road) When this happens you are on a different ground and you begin to see others. Because they are the ground that you once walked on. It's not judging them but seeing them. It's like you've moved from grade one to grade 2. Now you see grade 1 students doing the same old math problems etc. You see the same old struggles etc....

Just like in school, you cannot take the exams for them...so in life the lessons have to be learnt by the struggler. Also unlike in school there is no chronological order to life. There could be 50, 60 and 70 year old people in grade one and 20, 30 years old who have gone past grade 12. Such is the school called life / Dhamma.

Either way, the heart will only come to rest when one understand and develops the eyes in line with the Dhamma. This cuts across all races, religion, cultures, countries etc. Dhamma is not BUddhist though the BUddha discovered it. Dhamma us universal. Things like loving-kindness, compassion, forgiveness, hatred, jealousy, generosity, kamma, rebirth, conciousness, nibbana are universal and will govern all beings irrespective of personal and individual beliefs and wants.

Until that common ground is reached people's hearts will not rest either and will not find peace either. But while I write this and I might sound an extremist in writing what I write, I will never impose my views on anyone. I will only travel my path firmly according to my understanding. Whether someone travels the path or believes in it or not does not matter to me for their salvation and peace of mind is their business and their responsibility. But Dhamma will always stand the test of time.

Mind and Body

It's been a while that I've written a blog. It's really not for the lack of things but somethimes I am not finding the time as I used to before. But I thought perhaps I could make a note or two today.

You know how it is...we think we are someone. I think there is a person called "Anosha". But according to Buddha it's only the mind and body combination together minifesting as an entity. But in essence, if one were to take it apart, there isn't a person called "Anosha". Look at it this way. We call a 'car' a 'car' But if all the parts were to be take apart, can we call it a 'car' anymore. So just like that as long as mind and body work together we can give names to it...."John", "Anosha", "Ranil", "Tubby" but the moment one were to go none will exist. This is symbolised in death in the way we know it.

But, what if we get to experience it while we are alive in our own body and mind process itself?! Would it not be fantastic! Well, that's what happened. It was one of the most wonderful experiences. It begs the question and makes me go back to what the BUddha said all these years ago that there all physical and mental phenomena are coreless and without a self.

When I was meditating yesterday, in my breath meditation, I had this wonderful experiences where I was watching the breathing but it wasn't me anymore. But there again was just the knowing of the breath. But there was the breathing. The full breathing. Complete knowing of the breathing in and out. Like a fan. Effortless, beautiful breathing and then the knowing. Almost a complete disconnection not an absorption that I has felt before but a disconnection. There was the knowing and then the breathing and nothing else.

It was not ecstasy. But it was just knowing and complete silence and peace. I don't know how long it lasted but after a while all that silence and peace gradually disappeared and then there was "Me' again...the thinking, all the thoughts, the analysing came back again.

I am getting shaped by these meditative experiences more and more, I find. I don't get them often. I don't expect them to happen either. But when they do, out of the blues, they seem so beyond the reality I live in. The memories are vivid. There is simply nothing comparable to anything that I have ever experienced in my life to the experiences that I have in meditations. Most times I don't even have adequate words to describe them. There is something that is unique, so pure....so calming, so intuitive about them. They are attractive and powerful but not in a sexual or in a wordly kind of way. They are subtle not staring in your face. But they are strong. They change your without even you knowing it. But it takes time.

I am glad by it. The Buddha must have been a very wise person. For him to have laid down a method so clear to have survided 25 centuries he must have known what he was talking about really well and he must have been an exceptionally skilled teacher. I am forever grateful for him.

Rising and Falling of Mental and Physical Phenomena

I like meditating. It's like an experiment. Only thing is that instead of a lab you are in the meditation hall or your room or where ever and instead of equipment you are using whatever objects that come into your minds eye, be it a physical sensation or a mental object. Also like in an experiment, you put the necessary conditions, ingredients together and wait to see what's going to happen....you don't make the reaction happen...you just wait for it to happen no matter what it is; maybe nothing happens, maybe something happens but whatever it is it contributes to your understanding......this is just like what happens in meditation.

A couple of weeks ago, as I sat in meditation I experienced something fascinating. I have heard of such experiences but never felt it, like I felt it twice in two successive days.

First day, I had finished my meditation and it was a very peaceful sitting. I decided to listen to some deep Dhamma from a recent retreat I attended. Then I felt like meditating again. So I continued sitting for another little while. After finishing...I just lied on the bed and was relaxing because it was still pretty peaceful. I was still watching my mind and movements. I remember very clearly this thought coming into my mind "hungry" along with that I felt the saliva glands in my mouth start watering...they just started pouring out like water from a spring. Then I got excited because I realised that I (or whatever it was) just witnessed the rising and a falling of a phenomena. There was no involvement of "I". It was just a sheer unfolding of things. But I remember a 'watching". A clear "knowing". There was just the "knowing" of the thought arising and ceasing and then the physical movement arsing in the mouth and ceasing of it. Then I got excited. It was just out of this world.

It was so subtle but just wondrous. Just so unintrusive. Just a swift, gentle unfolding of a process. But there was the "knowing".

Then the second day. It was early morning on a Wednesday. I go to work. But I teach at a Church to illiterate women. I go early and go into the chapel and meditate for about 20-30 minutes. It very quiet because at that time there is no one there. So, this day too I had a good meditation. It was very peaceful and quiet (my mind). I decided to just sit with my eyes closed and just watch things as they rise and fall.

Again it happened. But this time it was "open eye' followed by my eyes being opened. It was wonderful. Again there was the "knowing" of the thought "open eyes" almost an "intention"an "impetus" to open eyes. It wasn't a command. It was an "intention'...like a 'push' and then when that fell aside came the physical sensation of the eyes opening. Oh! again I was just "what was that?!" Of course, along with the question, I also knew what it was. I didn't need any verification. I just knew what I experienced what the rising and the falling of phenomena.

It was wonderful. I haven't experienced any since. I don't expect to either. But just those too was for me is enough for the moment to arise such faith and confidence in the Dhamma. I am astounded in the Buddha's teachings all over again. He is just an incredible teacher. After all these years (I mean not just 100 years this is after almost 26 centuries) a disciples of his can still tap into the teaching and still (if they strive and have perhaps also good karma) can feel the Dhamma in its purity. How beautiful!

I just wanted to write the blog. Of course I would never forget this experience. How can I? Such experiences are hard to forget. They are too unique and they bring with them a sense of liberation, a sense of joy that nothing in this world can ever come closer to even bringing....so of course I will not forget....but I am human after all. So, I will write this down.

May I continue to be inspired by the Buddha's teachings as long as I live. My I continue to follow his teachings as long as I live. May I continue with determination and genuine effort practice the Dhamma, for without a day of Dhamma in my life, it will not be lived to it's full potential.

Blessings to all my teachers, my parents and my husband for supporting me as I travel this Noble Eight Fold Path!

What is Craving?

The Buddha said that Craving is the Second Noble Truth. It is the cause of all of our Suffering (Dukka). Craving is also known as Desire or wanting. As the Buddha pointed out there are two extremes to avoid: the one end of that continuum is self-indulgence and the other end is self-mortification. So, in craving or wanting one end of wanting is getting want you want (equivalent to self-indulgence) the other end is not getting what you want or rejecting everything (equivalent to self-mortification). At least this is my understanding of craving.

So we need to avoid both wanting and not wanting in order to let go of craving. What a powerful understanding!

I have been meditating for quite sometime now and have known this to be true. But only a few days ago did I see this within me with such power. I felt almost paralysed. I felt fear. How can I ever let go of something so powerful, I wondered. I have done all this work, to come back to the very root all over...I felt disheartened...but after some contemplation, I felt much relief. I felt that the road has been made clear for me. At least I know the way. It`s OK. Even if I come back to it a million times, I am coming back to a Noble Truth. It needs be seen again and again until I cannot see it no more. That`s what the Buddha said.

So I feel relief and I feel renewed in my efforts to walk the path with vigor. The work that needs to be done is much.

The more I see craving of wanting and not wanting, I learn to make peace with it, I learn to let go my craving. Even if that craving is for one little thing, even if that craving is for one moment in time. Ajahn Brahm, in his meditation retreat gave the most wonderful piece of advice, which I have taken in both my hands and put in front of my minds eye to see every moment of my day and that is `to make peace, be kind, be gentle and be patient`. I have found that to be an excellent antidote for craving and letting go of craving.

Of course, I will not pretend to say that I can do it all the time. There are many many moment that even when I remember his words so clearly that I am unable to do anything about it. Power of craving is such that you get swept away by it so fast that you are left helpless and it`s mercy as if a tsunami has hit you. But on occasions and they have increased over the last three years, I have been able to use those words to my benefits. To find peace, to put my mind at ease.

Sometimes, I do believe that when that very moment when the burning of craving stops and that feeling of relief and peace settles, I truly believe that in that there is that essence of Nibbana there. Even if it is a moment, a rarest of glimpse, a faint light at the end of the tunnel, I firmly believe that is what NIbbana must taste like. Like stepping into the fall air, crisp and full; feeling of total peace and relief. Like a workload being put down.

It`s an alluring feeling. You want to feel it over and over again because it`s such a relief like nothing has ever given you. Makes one appreciate the Buddha for what he has done and given to the world.

But despite all that, craving rises again. Its tentacles firmly gripping you in its power. I am amazed at it. We have no choice, almost. To some degree I have some to have a lot of compassion for people and less judgmental of those who are around me. I used to be very judgmental. I always thought I was better and that if I put my mind to it, I could rise above things and be better. I always wondered why other could not do that. But now I see that I am no better than others. That we are all just trapped (I mean not entirely) but quite a bit. It`s difficult. It`s not easy to establish mindfulness. It`s not easy to show loving-kindness, compassion etc. They are difficult to come by (I am talking about myself). So how can I judge another for their lack of it when I myself am struggling.

Craving is powerful. We don`t know this. Not knowing it makes it even worse. It`s like having a cancer and not knowing we have a cancer. Basically we will not treat it so it will continue to grow and we will suffer and suffer and we will in the end die of it. Craving is the same. If we don`t see it, it will consume us, it will make us suffer....oh it will not kill us, it will make us live longer and longer in samsara and suffer and suffer and there will be no end to it. At least with cancer there will be death but with Craving no such luck.

So let us work to let go of craving and find peace in our hearts forever!

With metta

The Old Faithful

My husband and I recently visited the Yellowstone National Park. It's famous for it's Geysers, hot springs and mud pots. The Old Faithful is its most famous geyser. A geyser is a hot spring that shoots up water because the rock bed the water is held is highly pressurised. But for me the Old Faithful held something more meaningful. The old faithful shoots up only at particular times of the day. When it shoots up, it stays for a while and then it dies down. It will flare again after many many hours when the rock bed pressurises for the water to shoot up again. It's inspiring and fascinating.

The Old faithful reminded me of the Dhamma and the rising and ceasing of our thoughts.

For me the shooting up of the Old Faithful was similar to how our thoughts appear and disappear in our minds. Though to us, seem so solid and so united...they are not. They are all stringed together like beads on a necklace. So close are they, that they give the illusion of solidity. Each thought appears and stays on for a while and disappears and then the the other appears. Just like the old faithful appearing and disappearing.

But it is so hard for us to notice it. Even if we know it, even if we notice the appearance of a thought, its; very hard to stay with it. Because they move so fast. Our lives move at such a fast pace that to notice the movement of our mind and the thoughts in it take extraordinary slowing down. That's what's achieved in meditation.

Focusing on the breath helps us to slow things down. We focus all of our attention on the breath, leaving the rest of the world outside. As we focus on the breath, which we hardly notice, in our day to day life, we learn to quieten our minds down. With that the mind quietens and slows down. This is why when most people, as they start to, meditate they get bombarded with thoughts. It's not that they did not have thoughts before. Its' just that for once, they are quiet enough to notice the thoughts. Anyway, with the breath slowing down, our thoughts slow down. Gradually and eventually we totally get absorbed so that when we come out of our meditation, we have slowed down so much that we are able to noticed the world in a totally different way.

The old faithful reminded me of the rising and the ceasing of the thoughts and with that everything as we know. It's a wonderful phenomena. The experience is hard to stick, no matter how much you notice it. I do find it hard when the going get tough at times. It takes much mindfulness to bring to focus all the experiences and keep the mind in balance. But when the mind is brought to balance, there is incredible sense of peace and happiness. You know in typical life, all we try to do, is justify, prove "I am right and you are wrong" or even to say something back to put the other person in order that others don't walk all over you is an 'EGO' assertion. But if I am able to bring a moment of mindfulness in the midst of all that chaos and know that it's all an ego battle and that there is no need for any of that "for this person called "me"' in that moment I find that peace. I believe, this is essence the peace one aims to find once and for all in Nibbana.

Watching the Old Faithful inspires you, because it's a natuaral wonder. It's a sight to behold.

So is Dhamma. Practice of Dhamma is inspiring but it is also very difficult. I find that much energy is required for the effort. I have done much in my life but nothing has asked so much of me like the practice of Dhamma. But at the same time, I have never felt like giving all of me, like I do for the practice of Dhamma. There is an intrinsic motivation and a sense of gratification that arises out of the practice of Dhamma that is so hard to explain. I am a person who gets bored with things easily. I need to be challenged constantly and my mind needs to be challenged and a sense of curiosity has to be aroused often in order to continue with whatever I do. Time and time again, in almost everything I have done in my life, I have found boredom, lack of inspiration but I feel Dhamma still has not failed to inspire me, it still has not failed to arouse my sense of curiosity. I am amazed and at the same time I am inspired.

Just like the old faithful, the Dhamma has remained an "Old Faithful' right by my side. May it continue to inspire me for all of my life and throughout my Samsara!

Meditation not a quick fix

Yesterday I met a very interesting old lady. Her husband had died two years ago and she is now living on her own. She told me that she missed him dearly. They had been married for 54 years before he had died. Now that he is gone, she feels empty. She said she cannot sleep at night anymore. She is on pills she said. But nothing works. Despite being involved in church and many other volunteer services, having friends and family she is having trouble getting to sleep. She feels as if everything starts to churn in her mind when she tries to sleep in the night.

She was asking me about meditation. She had heard that meditation is a good 'cure' for these kinds of problems, she said. So, she wanted to talk to me about meditation. After having talked to her I suggested that before she started meditation that she would benefit by looking at other alternatives to get her mind settled.

But my point is this.....'meditation' is becoming another 'fad'! It's becoming like something one can buy off the pharmacy for a cold, a cough and everything else. It is NOT!

Meditation, as I have known and as I have been taught by my teachers (Buddhist monks and nuns) is a way of life. It's not a "quick fix" or a "solution" to overcome personal problems, marriage problems, sicknesses or even to run away from lay life into solitude. Meditation is a life time commitment, that one has to undertake with great pure intention, with a big heart to give unstintigly to a process that would take years if not lifetimes perhaps to open up. One needs to be a silent and patient observer in that process. Fruits of that process, may or may not appear; you may or may not taste that fruit, it may be sweet or it may be sour, but through it all one needs to persevere. That is meditation. Meditation is a giving; not a taking.

So, please for those who want to meditate, don't look for shortcuts, take the long ardous path.

In this modern world we are so programmed to look for shortcuts. The quick fixes, the fast ways, the fast foods. But spiritual path, truth cannot be made to come to you fast. In fact, the harder you try the slower you go in the spiritual path. That's just the way of truth. But when you give yourself, diligently, without asking for much the path opens up easily. That's the nature of truth. It doesn't try to show off to you. When you give yourself to it, without hanky panky, it naturally comes to you.

It is unfortunate some people nowadays try to meditate looking, of course for relief. I cannot blame them. I can only feel compassion for the pain and suffering they have to go through. But if one meditates looking only for relief, then it`s not a good approach to meditation. Meditation is only one step in the Noble Eight Fold Path. There are seven other steps in it. They must all be cultivated togethether. Not just one in isolation will reap in peace or happiness. Of course, if one through meditation realises, jhanas or truth or come to have insights then that can lead one to make changes in ones life so that one walks the eight fold path in its entirety. But if jhanas don`t come, or insights don`t come, then one will be like an empty vessle.

So, it`s wise to practice meditation understanding the path taught by the BUddha. Not as a quick fix or to seek some quick relief. Nibbana cannot be found only in meditation. Nibbana, can arise in a mind that has been tamed in sila, cultivated in meditation that would then open itself up to wisdom like a flower that blossoms in its own good time. Like a ripened fruit, that falls from a tree. It happens!